Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
You Might Also Like
Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
[Putting petrol in car]
19.95
19.96
19.97
[stops]
[gently now]19.98
[very gently]
19.99
[ok, once more]
[deep breath]37.83
GODDAMMIT
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
[first day in the army]
me: hi I like your slacks
him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants
me: ok but I also like your blouse
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!
*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*
I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.
[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.