app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later
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You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.
A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”
To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.
I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.
haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”
4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p
Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry
Me: I wish I never had to go outside
Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up