App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
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My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
Cop – “Sir are your trafficking these children?”
Me – “No sir, they are my children.”
Cop – “ Then why are they screaming ‘HELP HELP, get me out!’ as loud as they can?”
Me – “Sorry, there was a fly in the car.”
Cop – “EWW, A FLY!!!”
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
a god among men
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
Top 3 things that cause my 10yo the most fear and trepidation:
3. Oversized sharks
2. Rooms with large spiders in them
1. Being served a burger with mayonnaise on it
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving