Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken

Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?

Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.

*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*

this bar is not in space

COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately

Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…

Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?

Me: You bought me a ski jacket

Her: Skiing is a sport!

“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”

Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.

Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.

“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road

the composer

Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.

My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.

my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.

13: I found a baggie of pot.

M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.

Person: Do you have a license for that thing?

Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked after I killed my third pedestrian.

My biological clock is wheezing.

would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole

My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.

Being brave is overrated.

Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.

Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.

NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.

ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?

My wife has the worst taste in men.

Number of days since I locked myself out of the house and had to climb in through a window: ZERO

A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏

My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.

Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older

Ok I’m going to read my question six more times to try to understand your answer
-reading my manager’s reply

I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.

Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.