Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
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*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work
Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in
“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,
Smiling
You know what’s coming next..
It’s your turn to do the laundry
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
Dear All,
During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.
Yours truly,
Psychiatrist
Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.