Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.
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The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store
Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*
Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
Daughter: are ghosts real?
Me: no.
Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.
Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.