Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
You Might Also Like
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*
vegan witches, happy halloween!
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]
Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
[cat and dog meet for negotiations]
Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.
Cat: *smiles*
Dog: Oh no.
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel