Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
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when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
Me: maybe we should let it live
Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?
Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale
Ahab: …ha
Me: haha
Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez
Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot
Ahab: oh like immediately
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary
DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts
Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.
HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now
ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?