Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
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Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.
Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.
Ocean’s 45:
The group gets bigger each heist
It’s too hard to keep secrets
Someone posts the next plan on Facebook
Everyone goes to jail
Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests
My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.
*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.