Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
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Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous
Water buffalo: Who?
P: That beautiful flamingo over there.
WB: Go talk to her.
P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.
WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…
WB/P: …not a Pelicant.
I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
Him: What are you watching?
Me: Um, it’s like a foreign documentary
Him: What’s it called?
Me: I don’t actually remember
Him: Is it 90 Day Fiancé?
Me: yeah
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here
I’m pretty like a car crash.
Me: So how do you want me to drop you off for your first day of middle school?
11: Just pull up and act cool.
Me: I don’t have to “act” cool, so I got this.
11: Daddy …
Me: Got it. Just be me.
11: DO NOT JUST BE YOU!
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.