Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.
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listen closely
Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile
8: what did he do?
Ex: what do you think he did?
8: he drove while drinking
Ex: yes
8: AGAIN?!
Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.
I said “Happy”
Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”
Her: Says who?
Me: Sesame
I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…