Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐
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Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in…. another piece of paper
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.
You can just call me Opposite Barbie.
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
#StillHurts
8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK