Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
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I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
me after drinking all the wine:
The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
i- i did not expect this
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.
ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”
We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter