Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
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*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
I’m giving up for Lent.
I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.
Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
I’m sticking to my guns.
I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.