Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35
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There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
I was up all night reading about insomnia
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno
7’s new favorite animal is the spider.
He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.
I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
It’s the weekend y’all
I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
[my first attempt at standup]
ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…
MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome
[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
Not today, today.
Not today.