Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.
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[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
🤣🤣
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.
[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!
This makes total sense…
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]