Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*
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Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”
…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.
BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.
My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.
Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.
Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.
Me: I did not.
Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.
Me: I’m not feeding you.
Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.
being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone
her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?
schrödinger: yes and no
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned