Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
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GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.
Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.
6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.
Thanks 2020!!!
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
Your wife is beautiful, is she single?
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.
Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.
Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.
I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.
I’m still very hungry.
Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once
Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one
Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
*purges outlook inbox
weigh me now
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
In-laws are coming over for lunch, which leaves me just enough time to buy a better house, master a new career and develop a less antagonistic personality. Wish me luck!
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM