Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
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[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.
All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
cyclists
Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
[Trapped on a Island]
*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”
Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
¯_(ツ)_/¯
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
[ SEXT ]
Me: Hey naughty girl, what are you wearing right now?
Her: Footed pajamas
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: …
M: K, gnight