Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.
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My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
Are these grass-fed oranges?
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole
Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!
Me: idiot
No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.
The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.
WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.