All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
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Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
*Goes to work*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.
ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
C: your name is “local resident”?
My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.