Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak
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someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
looking at weird sushi roll names and uh
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?
Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.
Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
Bike is short for Bichael.
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes