Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
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You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?
Me: …hiss like a cat?
My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
Support your local cemetery
villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!
me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please
villain:
villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice
me: oh shit
boat question
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.
Ah..makes sense now
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”