@inmybox07

Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.

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@impaulmccoy

I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.

@Bob_Janke

Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing

@rickolantern

You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.

@WetzelGeek

“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo

@st__arving

I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.

@djdarrellripley

Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.

Me: A transplant?

Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.

Me:

@TheAlexNevil

Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.

@JohnLyonTweets

Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.

Me: This isn’t going to work out.

@Miltgen

*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*