Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.
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Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
Boss: what are you doing?!
Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?
Me: I don’t know.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.
Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?
4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
ME: gimme a beer with a thick head
BARTENDER: you got it
BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?
whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
wife: oooooooohhhhhhh
midwife: that’s it keep pushing
My husband never answers the phone when I need him!
When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.
SEND HELP!
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.