Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
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*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*
Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross
My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.
Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.
Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.
I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.
I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.
Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.
Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.
Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”
– inventor of the sauna
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence