Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
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Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating
Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.
[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone
Skeletor: *throws stone*
Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.
Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.
*flicks cigarette after a long drag*
Here’s the thi—
*coughs for like ten minutes straight bc I’ve never smoked before*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
Me: *calls child’s name*
Me: *calls child’s name*
Me: *opens candy wrapper*
Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!
Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too
Woke up at 5am because I rolled over and my foot got too close to my dog and he started barking to make sure me and all my neighbors knew.
Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”
love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”