Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
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Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.
How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee
Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want
her: i’ll have the lobster
waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster
Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
I’ve been learning to cook.
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*
Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautifulNeighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?
“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”
“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”
My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.
I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003