Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
You Might Also Like
Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.
Me: digging up to the surface for a bit
Worm Wife: why
Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you
Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…
Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂
Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
Rose: I’ll never let go
Jack: are you sure aboat that lol
Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before
Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo
Rose: maybe you should let go
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe
Zoo employee 1: oh no
Zoo employee 2: oh no
Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
I enjoy a good short stor
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?
Me: I got the dirt off.
Wife: What does that mean?
Me: *hides the leaf blower*
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that