Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
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i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”
The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
In space, no one can hear…
My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.
You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
nobody’s gonna understand
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.