Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
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I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha
Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended
Me: oh, what do you drive?
Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?
Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.
I don’t hate children, just yours.
The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…
-My best pickup line
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.
[Doing a crossword quiz]
Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.
Me: “faaark”?
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!
Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!
“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.