Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
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[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
I tried a little tenderness and now I鈥檓 trying blunt force trauma.
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
Threw my garbage in the dumpster noticed I didn鈥檛 have my wallet. After looking everywhere, I fished out the garbage bag with an ice scraper. Found my wallet in the garbage but my keys fell in. After considerable more effort I have my keys. And I鈥檝e only been outside 20 mins!
My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it鈥檚 like it can read my mind.
[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK
being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT
The real reason evolution started..馃槀
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”
My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.