Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
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I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4
[first date]
him: what’s the one word that best describes you?
me: I’m acerbic
him: I’ve never met anyone from Acerbia
me: no it means I have a sharp tongue
him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
I think I got the Grindr app mixed up with the Pizza hut app. Either way, there’s a 10″ vegetarian about to arrive and I’m not sure what to expect.
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”
In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls