MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,
Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”
Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.
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Need this in my life lol
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
ME Okay, forget about it then
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
[at White Castle]
clerk: can I get your name
me: no, Carly, like Carly Rae Jepsen
[5 minutes later]
clerk: Ray Jepsen, order’s up!
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.