Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,
Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”
Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.
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[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive
When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
Follow me for more life hacks.
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more
Son: “Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?”
Me: “Wow, I thought most only had 4.”
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you
[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked
girl: tough guys are hot
Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*I have a gauntlet I just never use it
*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*
I love this
“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.