Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
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Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.
*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
ME: I want a normal night of sleep
MY BRAIN: Right… So, today, you’re gonna sleep from 1 pm ’til 4 pm & again from 9 pm ’til 2 am. Tomorrow, you’re scheduled for 2 hours. The next day is 19 hours which should make up for it but you’ll somehow feel even more tired after. Haha.
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
“Five year plan?”
[shuffles papers]
…written down here somewhere
… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!
Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.
My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?
Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
felt that
him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.