Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
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Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”
This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Beach?
Me: No.
Husband: Movie?
Me: No.
Husband: Museum?
Me: No.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.
If you know, you know 😂🚔
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
Hard not to take this personally
[police lineup]
COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card
ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?
WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer
My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
[zombies eating me]
Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?
Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard
Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.
Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.
Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.
*others back away*
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.
Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.
My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.
I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him
[Veterans Hospital]
GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?
ME: Haha, well…interesting story
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what