Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
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Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!
-Don’t you mean pig?
No. He tried to eat my couch!
MOST RESTAURANTS:
Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”
Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.
Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?
*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great
BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*
Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
This guy gets it.
Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat
apparently this year was written by stephen king
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??
Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..