Apparently, my concussed brain found it totally acceptable to burst out with, “I’m sorry. I don’t know what we have talked about for the last 15 minutes so I’m going to leave. Bye,” on a work call, and then proceeded to hang up the phone.
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hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
COVID-19: …
Alpha Variant: …
Delta Variant: …
Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!
Rain chat:
“Did you hear the rain last night?”
“Yeah it kept me awake”
“Same! What time did you get to sleep?”
“I’m not sure. When did you?”
“About three I think but then it woke me up again”
“Same. I even went downstairs at one point”
“Yeah I should’ve done that”
judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
A customer told me they were never coming back….
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”
YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
Woke up against my better judgment again
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.