Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
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Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
[bank heist]
rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank
The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.
Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”
Suspect #1:
Suspect #2:
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.