Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
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I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
Me: *wakes up sobbing*
Him: Again??
Me: I’m just so terrified…
Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”
Me: I know… I know.
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*
{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
him: I’m gonna kill you
me: oh no
him: with kindness
me: awww
him: kindness is my pet wolf
me: oh no again
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
ME: I shot a man in Reno–
YOU: Just to watch him die? haha
ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
“I have toddler-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”
*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*
“No.”
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.