@Donna_McCoy

Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.

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@thatdutchperson

Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’

@QwertyJones3

Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: How dilated is she?

Nurse: 4 centimeters.

Me: This is America.

Nurse: 0.000198838 furlongs.

@johnfreiler

if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out

@CYComedy

Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.

@Fred_Delicious

[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”

Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”

@MatCro

[heaven]

IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do

ME: Me too

I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?

M: I didn’t stop poking a bear

@myonlymizztake

Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.

@LackOfShame

H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!

Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.

H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.