Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
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Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa
Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.
Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
when u come home smelling like another dog
I have so many questions.
Fat chances are my favorite chances
I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead
This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him
who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches