Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
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I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.
So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”