Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
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My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.
Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.