Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
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Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*
*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*
Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautifulNeighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
How to woo a woman
Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
Every time I buy something now
✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day
Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am
Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are
Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson
ALERT
At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.
Last seen in the word “Let’s”.
If you see it, please send it home.
Its tweet misses it.
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there