Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…π«π«π«
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GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait itβs just the tile pattern
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
{notices youβre wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
[watching a movie where kidsβ teacher is hitting on the single mom]
Me: What if a man liked meβwhat would you think?
10: I donβt know. Thatβs never happened before.
Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?
my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldnβt remember Shrekβs name (Shrek) so he called him βsummertime grinchβ
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family π
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
Labreador
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
My toddler keeps running over and yelling βBOO!β in my face.
Itβs totally unnecessary, though. Iβve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.
*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*
Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50
Lmfao
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.π’
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. π
Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
Why hasnβt anyone stopped him?