Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
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I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
As a teacher, you’re sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanted her number.
He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girl’s face.
I then confiscated the phone as it’s against rules to have it out in the corridor.
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…
Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch
if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?
Me: Oh no!
Wife: What?
Me: Bankruptsea!
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies
[apiary]
ME: Are you the beekeeper?
BEEKEEPER: Yup
ME: Can I get some?
BEEKEEPER: Nope
ME: Is it because you k—
BEEKEEPER: I keep them
Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.