Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.

You Might Also Like


Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop


If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”


Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.


A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.


If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.


A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.

But it was returned…
no strings attached.

Wait…what ?


I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.


demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work


*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*

Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.


You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.