Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
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Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.
any last words?
Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.
And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
Interviewer: what makes you stand out?
Harry Potter: i’m a Wizard.
Interviewer: *scratching head* everyone here is tho, why are you the best?
Harry Potter: My mom like, REALLY loved me.
I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.