@MrSandeepP

Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.

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@Heatinblack

Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop

@kramediggles

If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”

@Jennuflect

Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.

@

A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.

@UnFitz

If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.

@SteveKoehler22

A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.

But it was returned…
no strings attached.

Wait…what ?

@subtweetopath

I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.

@bobvulfov

demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work

@clichedout

*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*

Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.

@better_off_dad2

You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.