Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
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Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
scientist: this machine erases your bad memories instantly. any volunteers?
me: i’ll give it a go
scientist: but you were just here yesterday
me: i’ve made some bad life choices since then
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad
Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
“911, what is your emergency?”
Yes I can’t hear my television
“Sir, this is not an emer-”
Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.
Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.