Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.
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had to share :’)
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
[first day as pilot]
Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.
Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy
Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time
Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.
She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…
…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
who’s ready for the long weeknd?