@MoneypennyNaked

Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.

You Might Also Like

@continentlbkfst

CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office

*gasps*

CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet

*laughter*

CIA: also someone in here leaked info

*gasps*

CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party

*laughter*

CIA: also someone’s a spy

@5hael

If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.

@AaronFullerton

I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”

@gilineezy

Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?

@alexmeyerrr

A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram

@Leemanish

“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”

@FredTaming

[First day as pig farmer]

Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right

@KentWGraham

I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.

@_megannnp

devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday