Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.

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I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.


I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.

My scale: I thought you were on a diet.



Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!

Everybody: The what now?


*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*


Me: I have to go to a funeral.

Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?

Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.


Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?

Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao

Accountant: what

Willy Wonka: what


My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job


*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*


If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.