CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office
CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet
CIA: also someone in here leaked info
CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party
CIA: also someone’s a spy
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
You Might Also Like
If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday