Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
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demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
Just how popey was the pope today?
My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
#titanic
My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”
Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;
At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”
friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass
[later at thanksgiving dinner]
aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?
me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it
Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.
Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.
Waiter: how does the chicken taste?
Me: WITH ITS TONGUE
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.