apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
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BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.
He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.
ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
[cavemen, having discovered fire, tentatively placing part of an animal carcass above the flames]
[my mother, suddenly appearing out of a time machine] You know you can do that just as easily in the air fryer.
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
13: so dad, I was thinking.
Me: about what, son?
13: I’m taller than you…
Me: yeah, and?
13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
I believe the plural is “milves.”
5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?
You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
Feels like there should be a middle ground
Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??
In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
Me trying to walk in a dream
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.