Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
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BOSS: this is our mortician, david
ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite
DAVID:
ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?
DAVID:
ME: ᵒᶠ ᶜᵒʳᵖˢᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
me the second it drops below 70 degrees
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.