Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.

Church is boring.

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If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”


Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?

Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.


Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode

Mom: More pie?





Me: Yes, obviously

It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.


Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]

Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males


Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.


A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.


This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.


You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money


Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.


He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath