@rebrafsim Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
@iAmDelFreaky Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
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@rebrafsim 
@truegritrumble I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
@Brianhopecomedy To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
@DairylandDon Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.
@lucidchemistry Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
@_SetTheHook_ I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.
@XplodingUnicorn When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
@castawaykristen Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
@canadasandra Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
@feverschlong Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.