@iAmDelFreaky

Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.

Church is boring.

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@rebrafsim

Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person

Friend: really?

Me: well apparently not

@truegritrumble

I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.

@Brianhopecomedy

To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.

@DairylandDon

Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.

@lucidchemistry

Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside

@_SetTheHook_

I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.

@XplodingUnicorn

When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”

When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”

@canadasandra

Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.

@feverschlong

Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.