@iAmDelFreaky

Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.

Church is boring.

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@msdanifernandez

If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”

@Rollinintheseat

Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?

Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode

Mom: More pie?

Me:

Mom:

Me:

Mom:

Me: Yes, obviously

It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.

@Book_Krazy

Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]

Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males

@mcdadstuff

Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.

@leechee420

A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.

@leftarmisme

This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.

@Kryzazy

You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money

@MomofTeen

Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.

@PanicRestroom

He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath