@msdanifernandez If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
@iAmDelFreaky Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
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@msdanifernandez 
@Rollinintheseat Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.
@XplodingUnicorn Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
@Book_Krazy Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
@mcdadstuff Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
@leechee420 A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
@leftarmisme This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
@Kryzazy You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
@MomofTeen Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
@PanicRestroom He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath