Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Me: well apparently not
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
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I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.